Comic Pleasure
by joolay
Summary: The world of Harry Potter has completely cracked. If you enjoy the serious type of stories written by J.K Rowling herself, I suggest you go and read hers. This story may be too abnormal for the average person. You have been warned.
1. A trucker with a fatty tumour named Po?

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. -writes on the blackboard thirty-two times-  
**  
WARNINGS: This fic contains slash, random dumb stuff, nudity, pregnancies, and chipmunks talking dirty. Well, just kidding about the last few things. But you have been warned! [pokes you in the chest]O.o  
  
Hoorah! Sometimes I will write in chat mode when I feel like it. Right now I don't, so I won't. Just lettin you know! [dances around with a blow-up George Bush life-size doll]  
  
"Harry! Why don't I ever get to hump your ankle?" Ron said, a hint of anger and frustration in his voice. Harry looked up from his ankle which was getting humped by Hermione, so he could stare Ron straight in the eye.  
  
"Because Hermione makes me feel good inside. When you do it, god! You bruise me! And you very well know that I bruise like a peach. But nooooOOoo! Do you listen?" [glances back at Hermione, who is making grunting sounds]  
  
"Harry! Please! I won't injure you think time! I just want to grab-a-hold of that leg and thrust my pelvis against it!" [pout]  
  
"Ron, not only was that utterly disgusting, but you also made me wet myself." Harry mumbled. [points at his pants]  
  
"Ooh! Harry! What is this?" Hermione said, standing up quickly, pointing at his pant leg. Indeed, pee was trickling down it.  
  
"It's wee wee." Jonathan Taylor Thomas told the friends, and committed suicide by flinging his sexy tight body out the window.  
  
"Now class, since you have all managed to forget about bringing your favorite undergarments for show and tell..."- Snape got cut off.  
  
"I haven't forgotten!" Ron interrupted, flinging his silky yellow panties at Snape's face. Snape ignored the fact that a pair of girl's underwear was hanging from his hair, and continued.  
  
"We shall just have to show and tell other things."  
  
"What kinds of things, Professor?" An excited Hermione asked, doing the funky chicken dance to the national anthem. Snape blinked, and stared straight ahead.  
  
While Snape was in a sort of trance, Harry took the opportunity to have time to think to himself. He glanced out the window, and weird things started making their way into his thoughts.  
  
The first thing: Hermione in a skin-tight rubber suit, massaging his feet, and cracking a whip across his bare butt.  
  
The second thing: Him and Fred Weasley playing tea set, and munching on croutons.  
  
The third thing: He pictured himself dancing and going to a house party with the Arby's Oven Mitt Mascot. (But he wasn't really sure why he was thinking of that.)  
  
"Potter! I just asked you a damn question, and I snapped my frickin damn fingers in your damn ugly face, and you didn't damn listen to a damn word I said, and once I saw a beaver's dam at the zoo!" Snape huffed, stamping on Harry's foot. Harry was startled, and let out a girly high-pitched squeal.  
  
"Sorry Professor. Ask me again."  
  
"I said, go ahead and tell the class why your nipples are fuschia." Snape crossed his legs, and sat staring at Harry, waiting for answer. Harry made a face.  
  
"The bastards aren't ever getting it out of me! Never!" And with that, Harry jumped on his desk, sprouted a tail, and flung his body out the window, laughing histaricly all the way down.  
  
A/N: Sorry this is so weird right now, but it will make more sense later on, I promise. Please review. And please read a few of my other stories. I am currently working on all of them. I just made this one out of boredom. [drools on keyboard nods off to sleep]  
  
LOVE ALWAYS ....Julie o.O -stare- 


	2. A unicorn on a diet named Phillian?

Disclaimer: Nope, I ain't owning no Harry Potter, fwuah!  
  
A/N: Whelp, here is more that you asked for! So greedy! So demanding! So hot! My fans rock, and will forever and always have all-access to my food pantry, and the fridge. Rock on, everyone! And keep on reviewing! I was so hyper-spazzing over the fact that I got 3 reviews the first day my story was up. Thank you so much! Here are my thanks: to coolcat411, Thorn, and RAiNbOwGrL22. Yes, I agree that my story is weird, random, and a bit nasty. But thanks for not totally flaming out on meh! hugs all Oh, and special thanks to yoplait! Yeah, I totally agree about the leg humping. How not fair of them! [sob] ( Um..by the way..the only reason that I have all that on there is because I never deleted it. I have it on there from when the story was posted like a year ago...but the ff.admin. deleted it because soem of my story is written in chat form. Just so there was no confusion... Jun.8th 2004 )  
  
Snape sighed as he heard a sickening thud, and knew that Harry had hit the school grounds.  
  
"Class, since someone has recently tried to commit suicide out my very window, we shall have a free block. Go on, get out of here, you filthy bird droppings! The being of you all infuriates me! Agyh!" And with that, Snape hurled himself out the window as well.  
  
"That's both the Professor AND Harry." Ron stated calmly, turning in his seat to face Hermione, who was picking her nose. As Ron turned around, she quickly put her finger away.  
  
"I know! I wonder who else is going to do it next." Hermione and Ron gathered their things, and began to head for the door for the free block. But suddenly, a faint trumpet "doot doot doot" was heard. They spun around.  
  
"I'm back, and I just drank me a can o' whoopass!" Said a voice. Harry came flying in through the window, wearing a red cape with a giant letter H on it. "I was only joking about the whole suicide thing, for I am IMMORTAL!" And he landed softly at Hermione and Ron's feet.  
  
"Great, Harry. Now let's go and have our free block." Ron stated, and the three friends headed to the common room, Harry's cape trailing behind them.  
  


* * *

Harry couldn't help it. He was staring at Hermione, who was sprawled out on the couch reading a book. He was again imagining her in a tight rubber suit, and holding a whip. He shook his head a bit, and blew several short raspberries to try to get it out of his head. Ron stared at him, a confused look on his face.  
  
"Why are you making farty noises on your arm?" He asked, poking Harry in the side. Harry ignored him.  
  
"Some boring free block this is." Hermione spoke up, sitting up and tossing her book in the fireplace. "I mean, we get a free block, and all we do is sit here in silence in our freakin common room! Let's get some entertainment going, peoples!" And she hopped up and started doing the worm, clapping and barking like a seal.  
  
Harry was about to join her, until suddenly his heart stop. His eyes were now focused on the person who had just entered the room.  
  
"Hey guys." Fred Weasley said excitedly, clapping as he watched Hermione doing the worm. Harry couldn't stop staring at Fred, and he felt as if he were on cloud 9. He didn't even feel his feet touching the ground.  
  
"Harry, we know you can fly in all, (the suicide incident), but please get back down here!" Ron shouted, shattering Harry's thoughts. Harry looked down to see that his feet WEREN'T touching the ground. He gulped, and flailed his arms around a bit.  
  
"Come on Harry!" Hermione said, trying to knock him down with a broom. Harry cried. Suddenly, he felt himself falling.  
  
"Oof!" Fred cried, as Harry landed on him. The two boys fell backwards into the fireplace, and began to get embalmed alive.   
  
"No! Fred! Harry!" Hermione cried, poking at their ashy, blackened carcasses with the broom. Ron was giggling.  
  
"I'll get them." Ron said, putting on some oven mitts. He reached in and scraped them out with a spatula.   
  
And as Harry and Fred lay on the couch, burnt to a crisp, Harry couldn't help but notice how sexy Fred looked well done.  
  
{N/A: So how was that? Please review! I'm ganna try to make an arrow to the review button. ....Julie }  
  
V


	3. A horny muffin man named Maurice?

DISCLAIMER: I own all of Harry Potter! And I own J.K Rowling too! She's my slave/butler, but I'd really like to just call her my slave. "Come on, you can shine those shoes better than that, Rowling!" [thrusts about]  
  
A/N: I would like to give shout out thanks to: Renny. Thanks for not stealing my whole Hermione raping herself with her weenie thing in my other fic. And I'm glad you like my random-ness. And also thanks to phredtheflyingmonkey. I'm glad you like it. It IS a really weird story right now. I'm glad there is someone else out there who likes my weird sense of humor! Also thanks to: Weasley Wonders. I love you! [hugs him] Thank you for letting me know that I made you laugh. Yall shoulda seen how hyper and excited I was when I got those reviews in my email! I was like laughing like an idiot, and screaming "I got reviews, mama!" And my mom just kinda stared at me like I was on drugs. So thanks to all! Just for that I'm ganna write yall a very delicious chapter! [licks her chops like a dog]  
  
After Harry and Fred had cleaned up, (They got to spray each-other with water hoses, something Harry quite enjoyed) and all the ashy goodness was rinsed away, they went back up to the school to meet Ron and Hermione.  
  
"Herms! Ron! We here!" Harry and Fred announced, galloping into the room holding hands. But they stopped dead in their tracks as they both walked in on Hermione and Ron doing naughty things on the common room couch.  
  
"Egads! My eyes!" Fred cried and covered his face with his hands, turning on his heel and racing out of the room. Harry watched Hermione and Ron a while longer (not really noticing Hermione, but mostly envisioning Ron with Ron.) then shrugged and followed Fred out into the hall. Fred was crying.  
  
"What's wrong, Freddie?" Harry asked sweetly, patting him on the bottom. Fred looked up, and Harry saw that his face was tear-stained and his eyes were watery and red. Harry gasped.  
  
"What's the matter, Fred-Noodle?" Harry asked, grabbing his hand. Fred sighed deeply, and blew his nose on Harry's shirt. Harry blinked.  
  
"It's just, I saw my brother naked! It's going to scar me for the rest of my life!" He put his face back in his hands and began to sob again.  
  
"Scar you? Can I see the scar, ickle Freddy-kins?" Harry asked seductively. Fred stared at him like he was a nutter.  
  
"Harry! You aren't taking this serious enough! That was two of our best friends!"   
  
"But didn't you think Ron was well toned, I mean, except for that slight pudge, and the hideous birthmark on his"-  
  
"That's my brother! The horror, the horror!" And with that, Fred flung himself out the window. Harry raised his eyebrows. Why the window? There were so many other modes of suicide.   
  
"Fred is like, so not creative. He should do something different next time." Harry told himself, heading back to the common room to see how Hermione and Ron were doing. O.o   
  
Harry sat with Hermione in the Great Hall. He was ready to give her the speech. He took a deep breath, ignoring the fact that Hermione was paying him no attention, and she was stuffing peas in the pores of her forehead. Harry cleared his throat.  
  
"Hermione, I know about you and Ron." He stated, watching her cram in another pea. How was she doing that?   
  
"Me and Ron? You mean you know that we nude wrestle?" She pulled a pea out this time and ate it. Harry stared at her.  
  
"If that's what you want to call it."   
  
"No, Harry. That's what we are really doing. We are training for the Nude Wrestling Olympics, or the 'N.W.O'. It's my dream to win the gold Medal, and Ron is just helping me." Harry smiled wide and he had Bambi eyes. He was clapping like a retard.  
  
"Really?" He asked, making a perfect 'o' shape with his mouth. Hermione nodded.  
  
"Okay! Man, and I can't believe I thought you and Ron were doing the nasty. Well, talk to ya later!" And he skipped off, but not after pulling a pea out of one of her pores and popping it in his mouth.  
  
Hermione watched him go. "What a mutha effin bastard." She said loudly, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe he fell for that load of shit that I made up on the top of my head." And she turned back to her plate of peas.

[A/N: Crap! My mama was nosy and read what I had written near the top. And she's all "Hermione raping herself with her weenie? That's perverted, honey! I mean, you DO know some people get on the internet just to see stuff like that, and get excited by it?" And then she went into this long speech. I was trying so hard not to laugh! Well, till next time: Julie. ]


	4. A speckled pidgeon named Alice?

Disclaimer: I do not own the movie "Cheaters." I do not own the Arby's oven mitt mascot. I do not own the book "Princess Diaries." I do not own George Bush, I do not own Enrique Englesias's mole, I do not own the lyrics to "It's about Time" by Lillix, nor dor I own Lillix. Ah hem. [clears throat] I feel like there's something I'm missing. [ponders] Oh yeah! And I do not own Mary Tyler Moore's Mule Farm in Hawaii, Maryland. ==  
  
Ron stared at Hermione. Hermione stared at Ron. Then there was an explosion of japanese fireworks and catchy mexican music, as the two groped each other and ate at each other's faces. They were in love.  
  
"Oh, Ron! How I love you so!" Hermione cried out, her tongue being yanked out of her mouth.  
  
"Oh, Hernia!" Ron exclaimed, grabbing at his own weenie and rubbing his own thighs.  
  
"I want to tell the world!" Hermione roared, suddenly leaping up from the couch. She did a happy boogie, and started to strip. Ron watched happily.  
  
"Yes, I know, my dearest. Let us tell all our acquaintances." Hermione nodded, and now began to tug at her pants, which were being rather stubborn, and not wanting to come off. Ron giggled.  
  
Finally, she ripped them out from under her legs, and fell backwards onto her cat, Crookshanks. It spat at her and hissed, and raced up Ron's leg, trying to get away from the mad woman. Ron screamed in pain.  
  
"Agyagayh!"  
  
Hermione raced over to try to help Ron, and tried pulling Crookshanks away. She accidentally fell onto Ron, though.   
  
"Gerrof me, you dumb animal!" Ron cried out, still pushing at the cat. Hermione's eyes began to water, and she climbed off Ron.  
  
"I was only trying to help. Fine. Don't expect any more lap dances from me." And with that, she gathered up her pants and left. Ron stared after her. He frowned.  
  
"I meant the cat." But it was too late, Hermione was already halfway down the hall.  
  
It was Potion's Class, and Snape was passing out goblets of sperm pellets. Ron took his goblet reluctantly, and stared inside.  
  
"Sperm pellets? What in the name of Lucifer is that?" Snape turned from passing out a goblet and growled.  
  
"You shall find out, Mr.Weasley. Let me first continue passing out. And when I am through I shall happily explain." And with a silent but deadly fart, Snape turned back to his work. Ron pouted.  
  
"Your ass just burped, you greasy queer." He whispered ever so quietly, but Snape heard.  
  
"Mr.Weasley! If you offend my hiney once more, you shall report straight to detention!" And he passed out the last of the sperm pellets, and did several swift ballet leaps up to the front of the room, dancing to imaginary music that only he could hear.  
  
"Now class," He began, doing a graceful twirl. "Today we shall have our first real lesson on babies." He pointed at Harry, and smiled. "You, Mr.Potter, would you like to demonstrate? Come up here." Harry had no choice. He shuffled up beside Snape, holding his noise at the awful ass burps that kept escaping.  
  
"My dearest lad, Harry. Please pick up a sperm pellet, and grasp it firmly in your hand." Harry did as he was told. Snape nodded.  
  
"Your first lesson on babies. Where do babies come from? Since I am the teacher, here. It is my job to explain." And he cleared his throat. Harry was still staring at the gray lump of what looked like a moldy candy bar in his hand.  
  
"First off, it is the males that give birth." Several gasps were heard.  
  
"I knew it!" Ron shouted, jumping up from his seat and knocking his chair over. "I just knew it! I told dad I didn't need to hear the birds and the bees speech! And I knew that pregnancy test wasn't defected! I'm pregnant! I'm havin a baby!" He pumped his fist in the air. Snape blinked.  
  
"Shut your cake hole you silly little boy. Let me continue." Snape did another high leap towards the board and began drawing diagrams.  
  
"This, well, this is where the female sticks her goober." Many gasps and groans. "And this IS a goober." More gasps, some shrieks. The goober Snape had drawn looked like a crooked tree branch. But he seemed quite happy with his artistic ability. "And next, the female fertilizes the male using this.." He said between clenched teeth, as he hauled a heavy bag of Miracle Gro onto his desk. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.  
  
"Are you sure, Professor? I mean, I never heard of using cow shit to"- Ron was cut off.  
  
"Don't you EVER question my knowledge, boy! This is the way my parents, and their parents, and your parents have done it for centuries! Why, I do believe that Adam and Eve started the trend." Snape walked over, stamped Ron's foot, and proceeded back up to the front.  
  
"Anyway, before I was so very extremely rudely interrupted." He pointed at another drawing on the board. "This is where the baby grows." It was a sketch of a large, salted pretzel. Oo  
  
Harry stared at it, then looked down at the sperm pellet in his hand. "This is all very interesting, Professor. But why did you call me up here? I've been holding this thing in my hand, and it's starting to melt." Snape narrowed his eyes, and walked towards Harry.  
  
"Nonsense, my boy. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand." Harry blinked.  
  
"Okay? So what do I do with it?"  
  
"Everyone please pick up your sperm pellets." Snape ordered. "This is where our assignment begins. First off, is the whole baby making process clear to you all? I must know before we begin."  
  
"I don't get the part about the pretzel." Neville Longbottom said quietly, stroking his sperm pellet. Snape pretended he hadn't heard him.  
  
"No? Everyone understand? Good. Our assignment for the rest of the week is to mother and father these precious pellets. As is they were our own. I shall partner you up with someone you hate, cough I mean, someone you haven't ever had the chance to talk to before."  
  
"We have to take care of THESE things? Like they were babies?" Ron cried out, throwing his to the desk. It hit the desk with a "Cruck" and poisonous gas escaped from the cracked pellet and killed him.  
  
"This is why it is important to love it, and take care of it with the utmost care." Snape explained, kicking at Ron's dead body.  
  
"PARTNERS!" he announced suddenly, making many students jump. Harry stared at Ron, and went to sit back down.  
  
"Poo. I wanted to partner with him." Harry whined, crossing his arms over his chest. Snape sneered.  
  
"Humph. Well you don't always, get, what chu waaant!" Snape sang, shaking his booty. Harry pouted.  
  
"Okay, let's see here. Hermione Granger will act as the mother and..." He ran his finger down an invisible list. Then he checked something off with an invisible quill. "..and Neville Longbottom as the father. Good luck!" Hermione pouted as Neville waved.  
  
"Next up we have...Ron's dead carcass acting as the father, and .." He pondered for a moment. "..and Pansy Parkinson acting as the mother." Pansy frowned.  
  
"I'm partnered with a pregnant dead guy? And like, married to one?" Snape ignored her, and went down the invisible list again.  
  
"Next up we have Harry Potter as the father, and...well, since there are no more females,"- Even though there were actually like 30 left- "I shall just have to partner you up with, as the mother, Draco Malfoy."  
  
Harry jumped from his seat. "No! You can't make me! Draco pokes fun at me! And even if I were gay, which I'm not, starts to sweat thinks of Fred in a pair of tight butt length gym shorts I would never ever even think about marrying HIM!" And he pointed a shaking finger at Draco. Draco laughed and smiled, waving with his elbow. Harry gulped.  
  
"I am the one choosing the marriages! All you and Mr.Malfoy need to care about is this sperm pellet! It is your life! Your grade! Your only important aspect EVER FOR A WHOLE WEEK!"   
  
And then after class was over, Snape insisted that they stay and watch his ballet moves. Harry clutched his goober in pain as Snape did a perfect split on the floor.  
  
A/N: Hoorah! [clutches her bosom in excitement] lol I was sooOOooOOoo completely bouncing off the walls when I got those reviews and all! Those were so great, guys! I'm glad I have some loyal fans who check back ever so often to see if I have written some more of my gay little fic. I feel so loved! [hugs you all] Time for da individual thank you's! clears throat Thanks to:   
  
Weasley Wonders. I love you, homie! You are almost ALWAYS one of the ones I get a review from. I'm so glad you like the story, and you are so supportive. If you like this one, go look at some of my other fics I wrote. Also thanks to:   
  
Renny! Hey girl you know I love ya like a fat kid loves cake! Glad you could relate about the whole mom reading my fic problem. Also glad you like my fic, and I wanted you to know that I love yours too! It's so funny! Last but not least, thanks to:   
  
Thorn! Girl, you da bomb! You my daddy, dawg! Fo schnizzle mah nizzle! I have no clue what I'm sayin! But anyways, it was so funny that you were like, beggin me to write more! I love ya! You my peep, sup!  
  
Thanks to you all. I'm hopin to get more reviews though next time. Only 3 people! That's sad. [sniffle] Whelp, til the next chappie. Byez!..Julie 


	5. A Bojangles biscuit named Marsha?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry potter's sweet candy ass. O.o  
**  
"It's awfully sad that Ron died." Harry pointed out to Hermione. The two were outside at the lake, and Harry was building a sand castle. He was pretty good at it. He patted some sand on the top and clapped.  
  
"Yeah." Hermione whispered, watching as Harry applied more of the sand. She sighed. She really DID miss Ron. And the last time she had seen him, they had had a fight.  
  
"And Ron can't help you with your N.W.O dream anymore." Harry placed a seashell lovingly at the top. He sat back and admired his work.  
  
"Harry, I only lied about the Nude Wrestling Olympics so I wouldn't have to tell you the truth. In fact, me and Ron were actually doing the nasty that day. I'm sorry." Harry gasped and almost fell over on his castle.  
  
"You LIED? You mean you don't really want to wrestle hairy fat guys and win a gold medal? I can't believe you!" Harry pouted, and crossed his arms.   
  
Hermione stared at him sadly. She couldn't help but realize how cute he was, especially because he was pouting. But it was more than that: The way his dark hair was wet from the recent swim, and how his cheeks were sun-kissed and slightly burnt. Suddenly a voice shattered her thoughts.  
  
"So, we're partnered together, huh, Potter?" Draco spat out. Literally. With each "Potter", Draco always manages to secrete massive loads of saliva. Harry looked up, smiling, and patting his sand castle.   
  
"At least he's in a good mood again." Hermione thought to herself.  
  
"Yup! We sho is! You're my bitch now" Harry said, giggling, and going slightly pink. And it wasn't just the sunburn. Draco raised a pair of carefully combed and groomed eyebrows.  
  
"You sound happy about it." He sat down in the sand beside Harry, and started to help Harry pat some sand onto the castle. Hermione had to do a double take. Was he, Draco Malfoy, actually being nice?  
  
Harry giggled some more, and picked up a handful of sand, and applied some carefully to the side. "Well, I am happy about it. I love you! I have the like, hugest crush ever on you! I wanna freak you hard, babay! And have your children!!!"  
  
Luckily, Snape walked by in his pink Speedo and farted, and Draco was to busy burying his face in the sand to rid himself of the stench to listen to what Harry was saying.  
  
Hermione gave the two boys a look and shrugged. She got up and left Harry and Draco alone. She was going to go to Ron's funeral, which Harry had said earlier that day he wasn't interested in going to. He said he'd rather just hang at the beach, than go see some rotting, smelly guy in a box.  
  
Harry watched Hermione go, and poked Draco in the side. "Get out of there, silly! We can freak now that mommy's gone!" Draco still couldn't hear what he had said though, as his face was buried deep in sand and seagull poop, so all he heard was a muffled sentence. He brought his head back up, and shook the sand from his beach blonde hair like a dog. Harry watched happily.  
  
"So, how are you taking care of Bruce? I heard you and him were at the beach, so that's why I'm here. I came to pick him up. I was taking little Brucey to the zoo today to see the giraffes." Draco announced, now trying to gauge some sand out of his eyes with a stick. Harry looked around a bit, his eyes crossed in confusion.  
  
"Who's Bruce?" Draco gasped, and clutched his bosom, frowning.  
  
"Don't tell me you don't even know who our only child is! What have you done with him?" Draco started digging in the sand, looking for something, and he even opened up Harry's swimming trunks, (which Harry didn't mind at all) and dug around in there.  
  
"Where is Brucey?" Draco shouted, exhausted from the hunt. Harry pouted, and placed a hand on Draco's shoulder, fingering his muscles ever so slightly.  
  
"Just tell me who this Bruce child is, and maybe I can help you."   
  
"Bruce is our pellet! The pellet of sperm! Where is he? You were supposed to have him first! Now it's my turn!" Draco spat out, spit colliding with Harry's face. Harry's eyes lit up.  
  
"Oh, the gray terd thing! Yeah, I have him." Harry reached into his trunks, stayed there for a while, and finally his hand emerged holding Bruce. Draco took the pellet away lovingly, and nuzzled his face against it.  
  
"There you are, my precious poppit! I shall never let you out of my sight again!" Then he held it away from his face, his eyes suddenly frozen in fear. He gulped. "How come I didn't find him when I felt around in your pants? I mean, I had checked in there." But Harry laughed, slapping Draco hard on the thigh.  
  
"Did you check up my anus? I was trying to incubate him or whatever. I was watching a documentary on chickens the other day, and it gave me the idea." Draco stared at him.  
  
"The eggs aren't going up their butts when the chickens sit on them, Harry." He said, sitting the pellet down carefully, his eyes still frozen wide.  
  
"Oh." Was all Harry replied, and began to mess with his sand castle again. Draco frowned.  
  
"You freakin retarded git! I can't believe you just let me nuzzle my face against something that has been stuck up your ass! Burn in hell, Potter!"   
  
And with that, he grabbed up the pellet and kicked Harry's castle to the ground, stamping on it and spitting on it. Then he raced off, laughing like a wild rabid hyena.   
  
After he had disappeared over the sandy horizon, Harry stared down at the lump of sand which used to be a castle. He scooped up a bit, held it up towards the heavens, and began to cry.  
  
A/N: How sad! Poor ickle Harry! His precious pwitty castle fall down! Aw! Does the widdle baby need a huggy wuggy? OKAY enough baby talk. Back to the author's note. I was disappointed that I only got ONE review for my new chapter. Usually I would punish you all and wait to get more before I write the next one, but since I feel like writing today (I'm in the creative mood) I am ganna go ahead and work on the next one. Here comes chapter five!  
  
Oh yeah: And to my one and only reviewer, here is your thank you!  
  
RENNY! MY ONLY LOYAL FAN! Thanks so much, sister! Yes, I do love you like a fat kid loves cake. Maybe even like a fat kid that loves 12 inch subs from Blimpy! But let's not over-react here.  
  
Yes, I have seen Cheaters. It's one of my fave movies EVAH! [holds up fingers in the rock-on sign with tongue hangin out]   
  
Oh, and yeah I know about the Harry/Draco thing. Ah huh, it's in your story too, as in many other sick minded fic-kers. But don't worry, I don't think the Harry and Draco think is ganna work. (as you can tell from what you have just read.)   
  
And we'll just have to see about the getting pregnant thing.

P.S: Thank you, Savvy706! [embraces her] You are da frickin' bomb, yo! I appreciate the reviews. I'm glad you like this fic...I rather like it myself. Sigh. [another hug] I hope you are havin a groovy, summer kiddo. [feels stupid cause you may even be able than I am. I dunno]   
  
Whelp, til next time! I love you all! And PLEASE REVIEW! [begs]  
  
...Your sexy beast master....Julie


	6. A purple condom named Jeremy?

**Disclaimer: I own D.A.R! He's my very own sex slave! And for those who don't know who that is, too bad for you all! [cough] Daniel Alan Radcliffe [cough] Dag-nabit! Did I just cough that outloud? I grant the most horrible of curses to my ability to cough hot guy's names! [pout]**  
  
Hermione was heading to Ron's funeral. She was in a long black shawl, and was wearing a "I miss you Weasley Boi" badge on her shirt. It would be held on the Quidditch field.   
  
As soon as she reached the bleachers to take her seat, she spotted Ginny. Hermione waved shyly and walked over, taking a seat by her.  
  
"Hey Gin. I'm so sorry about your brother." She said quietly, patting her on the arm. Ginny didn't look up; she was reading a magazine. Hermione narrowed her eyes.  
  
"Ginny? Aren't you sad that Ron died?" But Ginny acted as if she hadn't heard her.  
  
"Hermione! Did you know that if you hold a block of ice to your face for only four hours, that your cheeks will look considerably rosy?" She held the page out to Hermione, but Hermione shoved it away.  
  
"Ginny!" Ginny shrugged and put the magazine away, now bringing out her Game Boy from nowhere. Hermione blinked slowly. Soon, an organ began playing, signaling the start of the service. Ginny kept playing, making crash and collision noises with her mouth.  
  
Dumbledore approached the podium in the middle of the field, and cleared his throat. The whole crowd was silent. Then he began to sing in a high pitched voice that could break glass:  
  
_Ronald! Ronny! You died!  
  
It was sad! We all cried!  
  
Your hair was so orange!  
_  
_Your body so tight!  
  
I never even got to   
  
Hump that ass all night!  
  
You're friends with Harry!  
  
And I must declarey!  
  
That you quite resembled  
  
The virgin Mary!  
  
Ron is gone.  
  
(chorus) Ron is gone! Dead! DEAD! Ha ha  
  
Bye bye Ron! (repeats twenty-eight times)  
_  
After Dumbledore finished, he stepped away from the podium and handed the microphone to Professor Mcgonagal, who was holding her hands over her ears and crying. Then she regained composure and stepped forward.   
  
"Students of Hogwarts, thank you all for coming. For paying your respect." There were only three people in the audience, but she failed to mention that.  
  
"You may now come down here and look upon his body. And I'm going to go swab my ears, and get my hearing repaired." She stepped away and fled out of the stadium, screaming.   
  
Hermione grabbed Ginny's arm ("Aw man, Herms! I was on the ninth level!") and lead her down to the coffin.  
  
Ginny took one look at Ron, spat upon him, and walked away, her nose stuck back into her Game Boy. Hermione sighed, and stepped upto the coffin. She bent down to see him better.  
  
Her eyes moistened as she saw him. He was in his best Sunday skirt, with his hair combed back, and his eyes closed. He looked quite peaceful.  
  
"Oh Ron. If I could take back all that stuff I said. I'm so sorry! I loved you so much! I still do! We all miss you! Especially me!" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Then she heard a faint grunt.  
  
She looked down and stopped crying. What was that? Ron was still lying with his eyes closed, and was lifeless. Then she heard a fart. Well, she mostly smelled it. She looked around. Nope, Snape was nowhere to be seen, so where had that fart come from?  
  
Then she was sure this time, that she had saw Ron's pants form a tent. Actually, they were! She stared at it. Could dead guys do that?  
  
"Ron?" She whispered, leaning into the coffin. It was completely quiet. There was no sound, just crickets chirping on the Quidditch lawn.  
  
"Aghyagh!" She exclaimed, as suddenly a pair of hands grabbed her and she was pulled down into the coffin. She screamed and kicked.  
  
"Help! Anyone! I'm getting shagged by a dead guy!" But no one heard her. Ron spoke up.  
  
"Nope, you are getting shagged by a pretend-dead-guy-who-only-did-this-to-make-you-feel-sorry-for-him. Oops, did I just say that aloud?" Hermione stared at him, then grabbed his weenie and twisted it like a piece of taffy.  
  
"You MUTHA EFIIN BASTARD! How could you? Why? You had me so worried, I- Oh what the fuck, let's shag baby, yeah!"   
  
And Hermione gave her first real blow job to a pregnant dead guy in a dress inside a coffin on a Quidditch Field. It was so romantic, until Ginny walked by and "accidentally" knocked it over, sending the coffin rolling down the hill. 


	7. A babysitter with AIDS named Sue?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, neither does J.K Rowling. I think the whole conspiracy is run by German-speaking house maids. =Humph=**  
  
Where I left you off : Hermione got back together with Ron, since he is no longer dead, and Harry and Draco are paired up in a marriage thingie. Let's see what happens! [drums pound, and the Jaws shark movie music plays Duh, dum! Duh, dum! Duhdumduhdumduhdumduhdum] =spasm=

* * *

_Back at Potion's Class:  
_  
Snape peered closely at the students, his arms crossed. He held a whip in his teeth.  
  
"Schmo how ish bah pewwet ting hoe-wing?" He asked, giving the evil eye to Harry and Draco. Everyone stared at him strangely.  
  
"What?" Ron asked, then turned to Hermione and began snogging her like a wild jungle boy on Viagra. Snape took the whip from his mouth and held it threateningly in his hand.  
  
"I said, so how is the pellet thing going? I would guess you all have taken care of your pellet carefully, as I told you to."  
  
"Actually, I stuck our pellet up my"- Harry was cut off by Draco slapping his hand over his mouth.  
  
"Trust me, professor. We took incredible care of the pellet! It's not like we got it stuck up our asses trying to incubate it or anything." He assured Snape, turning pale and sweaty. Snape shrugged.  
  
"Well anyway, today you will be picked, one from each group, to USE the pellet. It's time for the real part in the experiment." He cracked the whip hard across Harry's face.  
  
"You there, Potty Boy. Get up here and let me get you pregnant." Harry's pupils turned as large as baseballs and he shook his head, envisioning Snape raping him in front of the whole class.  
  
"Never!" He cried, crawling under his desk and covering his head with his hands. Ron was still snogging Hermione.  
  
"Get out from there, you little shit. I'm not going to hump you. You are simply going to have to eat the pellet. Come along." And he reached under the desk and gave Harry a little assuring pat on the hiney.   
  
Harry licked his lips and reluctantly climbed out, his eyes on Snape's whip. Snape turned to Draco.  
  
"The pellet? Hand it over." Draco carefully lifted Bruce out of the tiny crib he had made for him out of toothpicks. It had been sitting on his desk. He waved goodbye to his precious Brucey as Snape caried him away.  
  
"Harry! Please don't bite him hard! He's still so young! Be gentle, you faggot!" Draco was on the verge of tears. Harry raised an eyebrow. Snape gave him a confused look, and handed Harry the pellet.  
  
"Eat it, mutha." Snape growled, poking Harry with the whip. Harry's eyes began to water.  
  
"What if I don't wanna become pregnant? What if I had wanted to wait til I was married?" He began to cry. Snape started to crack the whip across his back and butt violently, screaming in a high-pitched wail that burst all the ear-drums in the room.  
  
"As if! No one would want to marry you, Potter!" Draco spat out, flipping Harry a bird. Harry kicked at Snape, still getting beaten, and trying to escape.   
  
"Eat it, Potty! This goes as a grade!"   
  
"Yeah, Harry! Then you can be pregnant, like me!" Ron chimed, rubbing his ever growing stomach. Harry began to cry louder. Obviously that hadn't helped him much.

* * *

Harry  
  
Was  
  
Pregnant.  
  
And so was Ron, and so was half the Potion's class. They all had the same due date, and the better the baby came out looking, the higher the grade. Snape wanted to see how well the pellets formed the babies.  
  
"I'm scared about the labor part!" Harry said, his voice shaky. He grabbed ahold of Hermione's shirt and dug his face into it, crying and wailing like a baby. Hermione punched at him.  
  
"Pull yourself together, man! Women go through this sort of thing all the time! Now it's turn for guys to see what we have to go through! I like Snape's idea! It proves to all the guys that"-  
  
"Yeah, well women don't have itsy bitsy pee openings either! I actually only have one hole, so does that mean that the freakin baby is forming in my bladder?" And he shivered from the thought, his eyes still wet, and a large snot bubble in his left nostril.  
  
"I'm not sure, but I really don't care. That's your problem." Hermione popped the bubble, and sat down in the grass to think. Harry followed suit.  
  
"Who is pregnant in your group?" Harry asked. Hermione sighed and began pulling at blades of grass and weeds.   
  
"Neville."  
  
"Oh." Harry squinted. Ew.   
  
"Yeah well, I'm glad it isn't me. Neville's really excited though. He has already chosen all theses names for it. Like, Colonel Kipper, and Sean." She poked Harry in the leg. "What did the pellet taste like?"  
  
Harry gulped, remembering how it had tasted strongly of his ass. "Uh, like watermelon, with a pinch of mayonnaise." He lied.  
  
"Yuck! Mayo!" Hermione made a face, and jumped up from the grass. She cried "Woo hoo!" And leapt down the hill, rolling and tumbling all the way. Harry blinked several times, watching her bounce like a beach ball.  
  
[A/N: Time for the individual thank you's! Hehe! [giggles feverishly]  
  
Weasley Wonders: Thanks, kiddo! feels awkward saying that as you are probably the same age as I am Well, again, I'm really glad that I made you laugh. And NO! I didn't kill off another Weasley! See! See! [points] I tricked you! Muahahaha...Ah hem. Sorry, I can't reply to your most recent review, as I stuck the emails somewhere and I can't find em. But, write another one so I can respond to IT! Please! [shoves a bag of corn nuts down your kilt] Gargle, Penelope!  
  
Also thanks: To phredtheflyingmonkey! Sorry I didn't acknowledge that you had reviewed also that one time that I was saying how only one person had r&r'd. You did as well! I just didn't get yours til I was done writing the chapter. I'm so glad that I cheer you up! I love bightening people's days![shines a flash light on Fred's day] Muahaha  
  
Also thanks: To I dunno! Since I lost my freakin emails! I know there was more, and I am sooo sorry if I left you out. Just write me another review and I swear I will reply to it! Thanks! [hugs]  
  
Til Next Time: Julie! [The Night Before Christmas rules!!!!] 


	8. A beanbag chair named Trevor?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I DO own an agitated helicopter seed in New Hampshire where my Uncle Laura lives in a shack whilst being married to Jesus.**  
  
_A/N: I have so much to tell you about this NEW a chorus line of leggy women sing the word new over and over chapter!  
  
First off, I want to thank Weasley Wonders! You ALWAYS REVIEW MAH FIC! And I want to thank you, so I am doing something for you. YOU GET A SMALL PART IN THIS CHAPTER! Hoorah! Are you excited? [hands you a raspberry muffin]  
  
I also want to holler at my bestest friend Christie! I am copying you and sticking you in this fic as well! And I might even show up along with you, but that comes later.  
  
Also: I am going to type in chat form like my pal Christie does ever so often, for I am getting tired with all the paragraph nosense.  
  
Also, be warned that this chapter IS GOING TO BE RANDOM! Things that don't make sense, random dialogue, chipmunks robbing gas stations, okay you get the point.  
  
Anyway, here you go!_  
  
SCENE ONE OF CHAPTER EIGHT: The Dining Hall.

* * *

**HARRY**: I can't wait to go into glorious labor and birth my son or daughter of whom I shall name Midas or NaStephanie!  
  
**HERMIONE**: Oh, shut your cake hole. I'm jealous. [does something that a jealous person would do]  
  
**RON**: My baby shall have green eyes like Pansy, red hair like me, and broad shoulders like Dumbledore! Though I have no earthly idea how Dumbledore's genes could have made their way into my egg! [blushes]  
  
**HARRY**: How do you know what your baby looks like?  
  
**RON**: I took it out and snuck a peek at it last night.  
  
**HARRY**: No fair! [stamps foot]  
  
**RON**: [sits there, being unfair]  
  
**SNAPE**: [appears out of nowhere] I have come to interrupt your engaging conversations, to spank Harry's sweet candy ass, and to see how the babies are coming along.  
  
**HARRY**: [lets Snape spank his candy ass]  
  
**SNAPE**: So how is YOUR baby coming along, Mr.Weasley?  
  
**RON:** [turns even more pasty than usual and gulps] How would I know?  
  
**SNAPE**: Answer me, you Caucasian Mermaid that rides Hover-Rounds like the old women in the commercials!   
  
**RON**: My cousin Hemroid Jones enjoys stepping on cracks, breaking his brother's back, and smokin on crack, and he like to talk back, Mack! eats a pizza roll  
  
**HARRY**: Geez, Snape, let Ron form his baby in peace! [shoos Snape away]   
  
**SNAPE**: [pouts] [races up to the teachers table and tattles to Dumbledore about Harry.]  
  
**WEASLEY WONDERS**: There's a hair in my soup! [screams from nowhere in particular]   
  
**HERMIONE**: I'm a retarded leprechaun that watches Disney and sleeps on a bed of wooly blankets made from my bushy, ugly hair!  
  
**HARRY**: Me too!  
  
**RON**: Geez, people! Let me form my baby in quiet!  
  
**HARRY AND HERMIONE**: [toss Belgian chimps at random school janitors, and tie Snape's high heels straps together]  
  
_SCENE TWO: Suicidal Wheat Farmers and The Pillsbury Dough Boy._  
  
[Just to make this fic interesting, the author adds her friend Christie into the story]  
  
_Hermione, Harry, Ron, Draco, and Snape are at a Labor Class for Expectant Mother's. The instructor is a young girl named Christie, and Snape and Hermione are there for moral support_.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: You have to clench REAL hard, now! You gotta get that blood pumpin, get your heart beat racin, you gotta feel da BURN!  
  
**RON**: [is on the floor, legs spread, practicing breathing] It's like she thinks she's in a freakin workout video!  
  
**HARRY**: Yeah, I know! My pits are stinkin! I didn't know labor was such hard work!  
  
**SNAPE**: Harry, I don't like your attitude about giving birth. Three-hundred points from Gryfinddor.  
  
**RON**: [glare]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Shit! I forgot to tell Neville about the training class! He isn't going to know how to birth, and it's all my fault!  
  
**SNAPE**: Six hundred and a half point three million points from Gryfinddor.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Snape, you jackass, there's no such thing.  
  
**SNAPE**: [blushes]  
  
**NEVILLE**: [appears from nowhere]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Yay! My partner made it! [claps, and does the hokey pokey with a baby freshwater dolphin]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: You're LATE! You freaking trembling anus!  
  
**NEVILLE**: I'm sor-  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Drop and give me a hundred!  
  
**NEVILLE**: Crap. [turns to Hermione] Now I'm ganna have to do push-ups and lose weight, and it's all your fault. I hate you, and I don't wanna give birth to Kipper anymore! [runs out of the room bawling, disappears]  
  
**SNAPE**: There went your whole grade, Granger.   
  
**HERMIONE**: Now I'm mad, like a horny bull frog tap dancing on a picnic table while a whole crowd watches throwing jock-straps at me!  
  
**HARRY**: Cramp! [clutches his private area in pain]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: There will be NO CRAMPING IN THIS ROOM, POTTER! [shoves him into Ron]  
  
**RON**: Harry loves me! [tries to french Harry]  
  
**HARRY**: Agh! My womanly pelvis! Ron's humping it!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: [cackles, and does several impressive toe-tucks with Satan, while screaming at a passerby named Tiffany]  
  
_A/N: So do yall like the chat form better? I do. It's MUCH MUCH easier to write! Please review, and tell me whatcha think bout this chappie! See ya!...Julie _


	9. A penny from France named Sally?

**Disclaimer: I ain't owning no Harry Potter in tube socks rolling down a hill on Saint Patrick's Day!   
**  
_Where I so rudely left you off at:  
  
The impregnated people plus Hermione and Snape were at a class for expecting mother's, and Neville decided that he didn't want to have Kipper anymore. Let's continue._  
  
[Since it is raining like hell outside at this moment in real life, I shall make it that way in the story as well.]  
  
_It was a very rainy day. Thunder boomed outside and practically shook the school, and Neville, who was suicidal, was seen running around naked carrying a plugged-in toaster.  
  
Hermione, Harry, a young girl named Julie, Christie, and Ron were all in the common room. All the power was out, so they were huddled around the fireplace. Ron was roasting marshmallows, and Christie was making smores._  
  
**RON**: It's too bad about Neville, Hermione.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Shut the fuck up, tickle-dick mama.  
  
**RON**: My smore tastes funny.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: [snickers]  
  
**RON**: And what is "[snickers]" supposed to mean?  
  
**CHRISTIE**: They are Snickers Candy bar smores. [lies]  
  
**RON**: Oh okay.  
  
**HARRY**: Wanna tell campfire stories?  
  
_[THUNDER BOoOoOMS]_  
  
**ALL**: [scream]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Yes! I love telling scary tales!  
  
**HARRY**: Then you start, sugar.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Aight! [_They all huddle round to hear her story_]  
  
There once was a haunted house on a hill.  
  
In it lived a deadly ghost guy named Phil.  
  
The town's people left him alone,  
  
They kept far from his home.  
  
And Phil was a pimp and liked chrome.  
  
Then one day two children came along,  
  
Singing the "My Heart Will Go On" Celion Dion song.  
  
It woke up poor Phil,  
  
He raced out to kill,  
  
But the two children were gone.  
  
Where could they be?  
  
Wondered ole' Philly.  
  
Possibly under my ass,  
  
Or in a tall tree?  
  
And time quickly passed.  
  
Little did Phil know,  
  
Since his brain was quite slow,  
  
That the kiddies were in his bed.  
  
And as he tucked himself in,  
  
Someone carressed his shin,  
  
And phil's penis it did grow.  
  
From his sudden erection,  
  
The kids cut off a section,  
  
And ran from the house, sharing their meal.  
  
Now when people hear,  
  
Of the dead Phil dear,  
  
They call him headless Phil.  
  
[_Hermione ends in a flourish, and takes a bite of her smore_]  
  
**ALL**: [scream]  
  
**RON**: Headless Phil? What a bunch of fooey.  
  
**HERMIONE**: You're thinking of the wrong kind of head, my dear.  
  
**RON**: [clutches his crotch] Ow!  
  
**HARRY**: That was quite a frightening story, Hermione. Now it's my turn.  
  
_[He clears his throat]  
_  
One day while a young boy was humpin a tree,  
  
Along came a dead guy, queer as can be.  
  
To the young boy he said, "May I spank your fine ass?"  
  
To the dead guys he answered "Of course! At last!"  
  
And he spanked him until he couldn't spank no more.  
  
I know what Christie put in our smores.  
  
Finally the dead guy thanked him for a grand time,   
  
And he left the young boy alone with a mime.  
  
The mime was miming naughty things,  
  
And the boy was pissing in his jeans.  
  
To the boy the mime said "Show me your stick."  
  
So out of his pants the boy pulled his dick.  
  
The mime laughed and poked it until it began to bleed,  
  
And then they took turns smoking some weed.  
  
When they were through, the mime went away,  
  
And the boy had had quite a sexual day.  
  
Then he died the end.  
  
_[Harry bows]  
_  
**RON**: Boo! That wasn't scary at all!  
  
**HARRY**: I know, but it got us all quite aroused, right?  
  
**EVERYONE**: [agrees]  
  
**RON**: Yes.  
  
**JULIE**: My turn for a story! [_stands up, her face lit by the flames of the fireplace and giving her a spooky glow]  
_  
**CHRISTIE**: And I'm helping! _[stands up as well_]  
  
**JULIE**: Once apon a time in a small white town,  
  
**CHRISTIE**: A little girl's smile was upside down.  
  
_[raps like two mutha effin gangstas]_  
  
**JULIE**: She was always poppin' pills for depression  
  
**CHRISTIE**: And her suicidal daddy gave her quite an impression.  
  
**JULIE**: The girl thought about how she hated to exist,  
  
**CHRISTIE**: She was feelin kinda down.  
  
**JULIE**: Feeling kinda pissed!  
  
**CHRISTIE AND JULIE**: Yo yo yo, dawh! Feelin kinda pissed!  
  
**JULIE**: She was ganna put her self outta misery,  
  
**CHRISTIE**: So she went to the flea market and bout a weapon that was free.  
  
**JULIE**: It was a blowup sword filled with air.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: She tried to stab herself,  
  
**JULIE**: Right, uh,... there! [_points at Christie's boob, and Christie nods_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: She figured out it wasn't workin  
  
**JULIE**: And in the shadows lurkin  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Was her dead suicidal faja.  
  
**JULIE**: It tweren't no, mirajah!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: He was real!  
  
**JULIE**: His name was Neal!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: And he was there to save his daughter.  
  
**JULIE**: I'm in love with Harry Potter!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Me too! God he's a sexy beast!  
  
**JULIE**: Let's smooch on his face,  
  
**CHRISTIE**: And massage his feet!  
  
[_They stop abruptly and start getting their groove on with Harry.]_  
  
**RON**: Is that the story?  
  
**HERMIONE**: Oh shut up Ron, and help me get Harry's pants off.  
  
**RON**: Okay.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Harry's sexy like a grown-up Nigarian wolf-man who works at Bi-Lo!  
  
**ALL**: [_agrees_] 


	10. A lunch lady with smallpox named Frank?

**Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah don't own Blah Blah! Harry Potter Blah!  
**  
[is quite pleased with herself] _I HAVE WRITTEN THREE! COUNT 'EM THREE CHAPTERS OVER THE WEEKEND! And I didn't even get reviews for one of em cause I only just uploaded them like five seconds ago, but what the hey.  
_  
**Things that MIGHT happen in this chappie:  
  
**My friend Christie will come back, for she is a hell of fun to work with.   
  
Ron or Harry will go into labor.  
  
Neville will reveal his feelings to Hermione.  
  
Harry will ask someone out!  
  
A pack of nude cheerleaders will insult Dumbledore's mama in broad daylight at a tabernacle!   
  
Everyone will die and become famous dead people on E.T!  
  
I will watch my dad and sister engage in a healthy conversation about the Prevention of Colon Cancer.  
  
Elmo will sprout wings and terrorize a small town by sneaking into Town Folk's houses and pissing on their couches!  
  
My braces will fall off into Michael Jordan's oatmeal and he will choke to death on 'em!  
  
ENJOY!  
  
[_A few characters, which I am too tired to name, are all situated outside where it is quite muddy and wet from the rain the previous day. They dodge puddles as they try to reach the Quidditch Field, where cheerleading tryouts for the Gryfinddor Team are being held. Hermione and Ron are quite excited._]  
  
**HERMIONE**: I am quite excited!  
  
**RON**: I'm ganna be a cheerleader!  
  
**HARRY**: Why can't I be a cheerleader? [_makes several pouty looks_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Because you're the freakin seeker!  
  
**HARRY**: I'll trade, if one of you makes it!  
  
**RON**: Jesus Christ! My pants are molesting some lady at a nursing home named Betty!  
  
**HERMIONE**: Oh look! We're almost there! I am so ready to do this thang!  
  
[_The Quidditch Field is coming into view_]  
  
**JULIE**: [_practices cheering_] Go team! You can do it! Put a little "oomf" into it! [_shakes bottom furiously_]  
  
**RON**: [_tries to shake as well_]  
  
**HARRY**: Good luck, you bunch of panty-raiding pirate nuts!  
  
**HERMIONE**: Shut up, Harry.  
  
**HARRY**: Ok.  
  
[_They reach the Field, where a line of girls are waiting to try out. The instructor is in the middle of the field teaching a few students a cheer.]_  
  
**RON**: Oh my! It's our Expectant Mother's class Instructor! [_gasps and clings onto Hermione's leg_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_shakes him off_] Be brave, Ron!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: [_walks over_] By the scared look on your pathetic faces, you are surprised to see that I am the cheerleading captain.  
  
**HARRY**: You get around a lot.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Do you remember a lady at your dentist office that gives you the stickers when you are a good boy and don't have cavities?  
  
**HARRY**: Oh, I think I do!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Me.  
  
**HARRY**: Noooooooo! [_covers ears_]  
  
**RON**: Let's begin! I am like so totally ready for this! [_does a split, and waves pom poms_]  
  
**CHRSTIE**: Dude, we're getting a Dell!  
  
**HERMIONE**: So what do we do first to try out?  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Kid-nap a Holiday mascot such as the Easter Bunny, wax their bikini line, take funny and exciting pictures with them in a photo booth at TRL, and teach them how to dance the Tootsie Roll with old women.  
  
**HARRY**: All right! Already taken care of!  
  
**CHRSITIE**: So let's begin! You first, Hermione Manure Head.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Okay. [_waves her pom poms like mad_]  
  
**CHRSITIE**: You MADE IT! CONGRADULATIONS!  
  
**HERMIONE**: Hooray! [_pours syrup in her bra and hops into a red ant hill_]  
  
**CHRSITIE**: You next, Harry Ass Breath.  
  
**HARRY**: I'm not trying out! I'm the seeker!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: CONGRADULATIONS! YOU MADE IT!  
  
**HARRY**: [_picks out his new uniform_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Your turn, Ron-Penelope-Cruz-Granger!  
  
**RON**: G is for "great!" R is for "racists!" Y is for "Yolanda!"---  
  
**CHRISTIE**: That was awful! Forty seven point nine points from Gryfinddor!  
  
**RON**: You can't do that, you're only the cheerleading captain!  
  
**CHRSITIE**: [sheds skin, revealing Snape]  
  
**RON**: It's Snape! I knew the coach was too sexy to be Christie!  
  
**SNAPE**: Fifty added to Gryfinddor. For realizing my inner sexiness. [takes out a mirror and does a multiple of poses]  
  
**HARRY**: Ginger-bread men doing erotic things at airports in the middle of august wearing sand-paper Speedo's!  
  
**SNAPE**: Hoorah! So far we have Harry and Hermione as cheerleaders!  
  
**JULIE**: My TURN!  
  
**RON**: _[goes into labor]  
_  
**JULIE**: Crap! Why must you go into labor at times like this?  
  
**RON**: [_screams in pain_]  
  
**JULIE**: Ha ha!  
  
**SNAPE**: Quick! Who knows how to birth babies?  
  
**HERMIONE**: I ain't knowing nothin bout birthing no babies! [_says like the black maid in "Gone with The Wind"]_  
  
**RON**_: [clutches his weenie]_


	11. A monkeyboy with a hump named Kyle?

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter or his stupid ass friends aren't mine. The only one I own is my friend Christie. Sadly, I do not own myself, my mommy does. [her mom tugs her on a leash down the sidewalk]**  
  
_Where I left you off at: The friends were at cheerleading tryouts where Christie was the coach, and Ron went into labor.   
_  
_[Everyone huddles around Ron]  
_  
**HERMIONE**: Quick! We need a doctor!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: [_sheds cheerleading uniform, revealing a white coat and name tag that says "Hello. My name is Doctor Christie."]_  
  
**ALL**: [_gasp_]  
  
**RON**: No! It can't be! This can't be happening!   
  
**CHRISTIE**: But it is. Now, do you remember everything I taught you in our Expectant Mother's class?  
  
**RON**: [_lays in the grass and spreads legs_] I suppose.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Great. Hermione, fetch me a towel, and Harry, make yourself useful.   
  
**HARRY**: [takes out a lollp-pop from his pocket and sucks on it]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: And Julie, help me birth this baby.  
  
**JULIE**: Okay! [_shoves her hand up Ron's weenie_]  
  
**RON**: EEEEEEEEEE!!!! [_screams like mini-me in Austin Powers_]  
  
**JULIE**: I can feel the butt! It's coming in the wrong way!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Then we shall have to do a c-section. Oh what the heck, Julie, cut his weenie off. [_gets scissors from her doctor bag_]  
  
**JULIE**: Okay! [_takes the scissors, which are the crayola cheap plastic kind_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Ooh, cheap plastic. This will be a long and painful process.  
  
**RON**: My manhood! Please, doctor! Let me keep it!  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_hands the doctor the towel she was sent for_] I know a faster way.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Then go for it. [_plays with her scope thingy_]   
  
**HERMIONE**: [_rips his weenie off with her bare hands, She places it in a Mason jar_]  
  
**RON**: [makes weird noises]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Great work. [_hands Hermione a lolly pop_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_licks it, while fingering Ron's naked bottom_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Okay Ron, now push hard. Remember your breathing techniques.  
  
**RON**: [_strains, and accidentally poops all over Christie's hands_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: How dare you. [_wipes the poop on Harry_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_licks it off_] Chocolate!  
  
**RON**: Get this thing outta me!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: I'm trying, quit shitting all over the place and hold still.   
  
**RON**: [_pushes, and a small round ass appears, sticking out of the hole where Ron's weenie use to be_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_spanks the newborn's ass_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Harry, step away. You smell of shit. Julie, hand me the pliers,  
  
**JULIE**: [_checks the doctor's bag_]  
  
**RON**: No! I have a much safer and less painful way! [_farts, and the baby squirts out and hits Harry in the back of the head_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_falls to ground_] Ahhyh!  
  
**RON**: [_dies of complications_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Crap, my lover has died once again. He must be cremated this time. [_lights a match to Ron's body_]  
  
**JULIE**: [_picks the baby up from off Harry, where it is clinging onto his hair_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Hand me the bald and small one.  
  
**JULIE**: [_tosses her the baby_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Ooh, it's quite ugly. [_makes a face_]  
  
**JULIE**: Yes, well what shall we name it? [_pats at it with the towel_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Let's name it by combining Ron and Pansy's names. It shall forever be known as PonRonsy.  
  
**JULIE**: No, let's name it Butch.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: It shall be done.  
  
**HERMIONE**: I want to hold Butch!  
  
**JULIE**: You can breast-feed it I suppose.  
  
**HERMIONE**: But I have no boobs.  
  
**JULIE**: You freak! I should've known, by your masculine and ugly ways.  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_swings christie around her head by her scope thingy_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Let me down, you impudent ass!  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_lets go, and christie goes flying into the stands and hits Dumbledore, where he had been sitting watching the birthing process_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_is still unconscious on the ground_] Look, it's the headmaster!  
  
[_Dumbledore walks over, wiping Christie's blood off his kilt and stockings_]  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**: You all did a great job with the birthing. Now, hand me Butch and I shall bless her.  
  
**JULIE**: [_tosses him the baby_] Here, you old fart.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**: [_tosses it back and forth with Julie, playing catch for ten minutes, then stops and holds it up towards the sun_] From this day on, you shall have the finest, roundest ass in all the land. Men and homosexual women will journey from miles and miles to look upon your fine ass.  
  
**JULIE**: [_shields her eyes_] The ass, it is too fine! It hurts my eyes and touches my soul!  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**: [kisses the baby's bottom, and a beam of light shines from it and blinds everyone except for Harry, who has awaken and is wearing cheap, huge clown glasses.]  
  
**RON**: [_is on fire still, and comes back from the dead_] Hooray! Dumbledore blessed my child's ass! Go Butch! [_dies again from a high cholesterol_]  
  
**BUTCH**: Check out this shit, everyone! [_shakes his little baby butt and dances excitedly_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Amazing.  
  
**JULIE**: Shake it, Butch! Shake it! [_gets a lapdance from the baby_]  
  
_{A/N: Thanks, everyone for all the great reviews! Thanks to Weasley wonders: Glad you liked your cameo. And I'm still glad you like my story. You may have a cameo again later on, I'm not sure. Phredtheflyingmonkey: Hey dude Glad you like the story as well! If anyone wishes to appear and have a short part in my story, say so in your review. That's right, I'm MAKING you all review to get what you want. Til next time..Julie}_


	12. A greasy fisherman named Little Sarah?

**Disclaimer: Canada! O.o  
**  
_Where I so evilly left your sorry ass behind at:  
  
Ron gave birth and died of complications, and there are a few more pregnant bois who are yet to go into labor. Read read read!!! [slaps yo mutha effin mama]  
  
Scene One: Ron's SECOND funeral.  
_  
**HERMIONE**: [_sits in the bleachers at the Quidditch Field, just like last time, and she is holding Butch in a blanket_.] Fuck your mama, butch. He done died and gone to hell.  
  
**BUTCH**: Shut the fuck up bout my mama, Granger.  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_coos and pinches Butch's cheeks_] You damn sho is cute, niggah!  
  
**BUTCH**: [_craps in her diaper_]  
  
**HARRY**: Look! It's Dumbledore! The funeral is begun!  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**: [_steps up to the podium_] Last time when I sang a song at his funeral, it was a big success. So I shall sing again. [_clears his throat_]  
  
**HARRY**: Yes! He is ganna sing for us, Butch! [_says to the baby_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_covers Butch's ears_] Harry, if you had ONLY come to Ron's funeral last time, you wouldn't be so happy about this.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**: Ah hem. [_Takes the mic of the stand like an angry rocker_]  
  
SHALACKA DOOLA,  
  
BITCHAKA BOOLA,  
  
BIBBITY BOBBITY BOO!  
  
Put em together and what have you got?  
  
Ron's dead and rotting and smells of piss!  
  
[_insert yodeling here_]  
  
Poor little Ronny Weasley!  
  
He died again!  
  
Maybe he'll stay dead this time!  
  
The mutha fuckin bitch!  
  
[_more yodeling_]  
  
**HARRY**: My ears! I'm going blind! [_sobs_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Pull yourself together, man!  
  
**JULIE**: [_races onto the field and knocks Dumbly over, sending him rolling down the hill] [picks up the mic_] Er, thank you for coming everyone. Sorry for that inconvenience. We shall have a few people come up here to toast Ron, and speak a few last words.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: [_walks up and takes the mic from Julie_] Yes, hullo. Ron was a rather pasty white bitch. He smelled strongly of cat nip and ate too much, thus I gave him the nickname Fat-Paste-Boi.  
  
**JULIE**: [_takes the mic from Christie, who is dabbing at her eyes with a hanky_] That was great, Chris. Anyone else like to speak?  
  
**BUTCH**: [_appears at the podium. She is so small, only the tip of her head is visible_]  
  
Ron was mah gangsta mutha. He underfed me, and abandoned me when I was born, thus leaving me wit no mamma to raise meh. I think mah momma deserves to burn to ashes. [_takes a match from her diaper and tosses it into the casket_] BURN, MAMA, BURN!  
  
**HARRY**: Great Scott! How did Butch get down there?  
  
**HERMIONE**: She was with me a second ago! Oh, how could I take my hideous eyes off of her for one second? [_sobs_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Butch, as always, you is da smoothest gangsta baby in da hood.  
  
**BUTCH**: I da shit. [_humps Christie's legs_]  
  
**JULIE**: [_takes the mic away from Butch_] Thanks. Now, any other person like to give a toast?  
  
**RON**: I'm on fire, yo!  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_heads down to the Quidditch Field_] I WILL! [_trips and falls down thirty flights of stairs_]  
  
**JULIE**: Ha ha! Look at Hermione go!  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_dusts herself off as she hits the bottom, and races to the podium_] Ron was a special man. He was always there for me, and always there to brighten my day. My last memory of him, is when he died giving birth. He died brave, and strong, and he will never be forgotten.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Boo! [_kicks hermione in the shin_] Get outta here, niggah! You suck!  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_pouts, and goes back up to her seat in the bleachers_]  
  
**HARRY**: My turn! [_walks to the podium_] Ron was my bestest friend in the world.   
  
**JULIE**: So beautiful. Harry is a true poet.  
  
**BUTCH**: He da shit! [_is still humping Christie's leg_]  
  
**ADAM** **SANDLER**: Ron was, I guess you could say he was a male porn artist who had five titties and a large birthmark on his penis.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Thank you all, for showing your highest condolences. You may now all come down here and look upon Ron's ugly pasty, burnt face, which is still melting in the flames.  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_carries Butch to see her mama's dead body in the coffin_]  
  
**BUTCH**: [_leans over and spits in it_] Take that, bastard.  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_walks away, Butch on her back_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_approaches the coffin_] I'll always love you.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**: [_breaks into "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston, and Harry joins him_]   
  
**JULIE**: Let's have barbecued wings! [_lights Kerosene to the flaming coffin, and starts roasting some ribs and wings in the fire_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Great idea, Jewels! [_makes smores_]  
  
**RON**: Save some fo me, niggahs!  
  
_A/N: Review, review! [whacks you all with brooms]..Julie_


	13. An overweight lawn gnome named NaTiffany...

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I'd be a frickin' rich bastard in Switzerland that owns an entire square of London. I might even have my own team of sled dogs and gold caps on my teeth. O.o  
**  
_Where I left yall off at:_  
  
_Ron had given birth and died AGAIN from complications. They had a funeral for em, and there are many more students that are still pregnant. Continued!...  
_  
**Everyone is in the dining hall. Butch is in a booster seat with a bib on, and Hermione is feeding her.**  
  
**HERMIONE**: Here comes the train! Choo Choo! Open the hatch, Butchy!  
  
**BUTCH**: You are one of the most ignorant bitches I've ever met.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Ha ha! It's so cute when you speak baby talk!  
  
**BUTCH**: Ovaries and french kissing.  
  
**HARRY**: Feed me, Herms! [_opens his mouth_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: No, no. This is special food for widdle babies, like Butchy Wutchy. [_pinches Butch's cheeks_]  
  
**BUTCH**: I'll feed ya, niggah! [_pees in Harry's open mouth_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_gags_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Aren't you pregnant, Harry?  
  
**HARRY**: [_barfs_] Yes. I am due anytime now.  
  
**HERMIONE**: My partner gave birth yesterday, right after Ron.   
  
**HARRY**: Who was your partner?  
  
**HERMIONE**: Neville. It's an ugly little bastard, too.  
  
**HARRY**: I thought Neville decided he wasn't going to give birth! Well..What does it look like? What's its name? How long is its weenie?  
  
**HERMIONE**: Neville named it Kipper, remember? It's a boy, and he has bushy red hair and brown eyes. And I would presume its penis is way longer than yours, because as gay and fruity as you are, I would guess you have a wee one.  
  
**BUTCH**: I inherited all of my mom's ugly ness. I have nasty red hair, blue eyes, and giant moles on my ass.  
  
**HERMIONE**: You're so cute! [_squeezes her_]  
  
**BUTCH**: [_barfs on Hermione's hair_] Now your hair is even nastier than before. But it's not like anyone will tell the difference.  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_more squeezing and other mushy hoopla_]  
  
**HARRY**: I feel the baby comin! I'm in labor! [_cries in pain_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Oh my, Harry! Get on the table and spread your legs!  
  
**HARRY**: [_does so_] Ack! It hurts and I am in excruciating pain! [_sobs and blubbers_]  
  
**BUTCH**: Feel da pain, mutha fucka!  
  
**HARRY**: Ouchie!  
  
**HERMIONE**: Okay Harry, [_gets up near his crotch_] I'm going to see if it's coming out yet. [_gets up closer_]  
  
**HARRY**: [_farts in her face. It blows her hair backwards, and melts her nose_] Hey! The pain's gone!  
  
**HERMIONE**: ....  
  
**HARRY**: It was just gas. False alarm. [_farts again, and gets off the table_]  
  
**BUTCH**: Chrome and bling bling! Ca-ching, brudda!   
  
**HARRY**: Tee hee.  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_faints_]  
  
[_A/N: Review please! I know you all are reading this, but you never review! The first three people to review for this chapter will gets small cameo parts in the next chappie! Okay thanks, yall!....Julie_] 


	14. A chicken with OCD named Nurman?

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter or any of his hot-bitch friends (minus Hermione cause she is a bushy-headed crap-kake) I would be one of the richest bastards in all of Georgia. But I'm not, so I don't. [gives J.K Rowling the finger]**   
  
_Where I left you off at 5 minutes ago: (that's right, 5 minutes. Sometimes when I am through writing one chapter and I'm in the creative mood, I hop to and write the next.) Harry melted Hermione's shit-ugly face with his massive fart eruption, and Butch was being her regular gangsta baby self as always. Let's continue.  
  
Thanks to Renny: Chelsea, I appreciate taking time off from cleaning yo room to read my wonderful ficcy. [hugs] For your utter kindness, I shall give you a part in this chapter.  
_  
_Weasley Wonders: I'm ganna give you a part anyway since I am so giving and caring. [beams]  
  
Phredtheflyingmonkey: Thanks thanks. I went and visited your home page. Your friends look like they are a friendly bunch of people, and you are a very pretty young girl. [waves]  
  
CONTINUED: [bag pipe music plays from nowhere in particular]  
_  
_Hermione, who now has a deformed melted face that makes her look like a goat, a very pregnant Harry, a very gangsta Butch, and a very hyper Christie are all lounging in the common room.  
_  
**CHRISTIE**: Ahhh ha ha! Ahh ha haahahahahhlhlyhlyyyiyoiujkgkhgv  
  
**WEASLEY** **WONDERS**: (here's yo cameo) Hemroids!  
  
**HARRY**: [_humps Butch_]  
  
**BUTCH**: That's right, my slave man. Hump me good. Thrust your manly pelvis against my leg. Oh yeah.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Butch! [_yanks Butch away from Harry's grasp_] How did you get out of your pen? [_plops her back down in a baby pen_]  
  
**BUTCH**: [_peeks out from the bars like a cell prisoner_] I will get you someday, Bitch. When I can walk, you will die.  
  
**HARRY**: I have someone I want you all to meet.  
  
[_He leads a young girl into the room on a leash. She is in a raincoat and has on massive 500 pound mud-caked boots_.]  
  
**RENNY**: Yo. [_twitches_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Ooh! Nice to meet you! [_humps her leg_]  
  
**RENNY**: Teehee. [_giggles nervously_]  
  
**HARRY**: She's my long lost twin that was separated from me at the brain at birth. She was currently living on life support in Ireland and had a tumor and breast cancer.   
  
**RENNY**: Breast cancer. [_spasm_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: That's awful. [_takes her turn at humping Renny's leg_]  
  
**HARRY**: She likes wearing raincoats, as you can see. And I think she's never taken those boots off a day in her life.  
  
**RENNY**: My boots. Hee He.   
  
**HERMIONE**: O.o  
  
**BUTCH**: She sho is a twitchy bastard. [_marks her territory in a corner of the play pen_]   
  
**HARRY**: I think that's cause of the tumor.  
  
**RENNY**: Tumor, ha. Funny Harry. He he. [_twitches_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Wow. Can we kill her? [_runs towards her with a steak knife_]  
  
**HARRY**: No! [_takes the steak knife away and throws it to the side nowhere in particular. It lands in Butch's play pen._]  
  
**BUTCH**: All right! [_picks up the knife_]  
  
**CHRISTIE**: But she disturbs me! Maybe it's the fact that one eye's is bigger than the other, or the fact that her feet keep stompin the ground, or the fact that she is hunched over and twitching her eye! Agh! [_goes insane_]  
  
**HARRY**: You'll just have to get used to her. She's my long lost conjoined twin, so treat her as if she were your own.  
  
**BUTCH**: [_is still holding the knife_] If she were MY own, she'd be buried alive in my backyard. [_laughs evilly_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: I swear, that child is damned.  
  
**BUTCH**: [insert maniacal laughter here]  
  
**HARRY**: So, tell us about yourself, Renny.  
  
**RENNY**: I like boots. Heh.  
  
**HARRY**: Uh..  
  
**RENNY**: My raincoat. [_gurgles_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Yes, well we are glad to have you at Hogwarts.  
  
**RENNY**: hdl#s ajyh ru iy!j ud?iu(iu  
  
**HARRY**: That was fucked up.  
  
**BUTCH**: Fo sho, niggahs. Renny's a fucked up freaker on wheels.   
  
**RENNY**: Muddy boots. [_shrieks like a banshee, then acts as if nothing happened_.]  
  
**HERMIONE**: [starts to pray]

**CHRISTIE**: Ha ha! I like this bitch! [_embraces Renny in a bear hug_]  
  
**RENNY**: [_screams and bites Christie, clawing at her chest and face with ten inch nails. She is foaming at the mouth, and kicking Christie in the crotch with her massive boots_] Sheeeeeeeettttt!!!!!  
  
**CHRSTIE**: Aauuhhh!!!!  
  
_[A/N: Well, Renny. You're in the fic now. So what if you are a twitchy freak in a raincoat and 500 pound mud caked boots? We all love you anyway. Review, everyone! And if you want a cameo, please tell me in your review!..Julie]_


	15. A sadistic tampon named KevinAnn?

**Disclaimer: Nope, even though I know you had the sinking suspision, Harry Potter isn't mine. The only characters I own are Butch and Renny, Christie and me. Surprised you all, huh?  
**Um..Savvy...thank you for reviewing. warm grin You requested to have a cameo in the fic...but since this fic is already written..( I'm just adding a few chapters day by day )..I went ahead and added you a part in anyway. Enjoy! [tap dances]  
**

* * *

**

**Where I left you all off at:  
  
Harry introduced his long lost conjoined twin sister to the friends: Renny. She wears a raincoat every second of her freakish life, and has on a pair of colossal muddy boots that weigh ten times more than she does.**

* * *

_It's about an hour later from meeting Renny, and the friends are outside. It is quite rainy and foggy, and the sky is gray. Why they are out there? Heaven knows. Let's find out._  
  
**HERMIONE**: Renny's lucky. She has a raincoat AND boots.  
  
**RENNY**: My boots. [_hisses_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Uh, you keep em. Yeah, okay. [_inches_ _away_]  
  
**HARRY**: This is Butch's first rainstorm!  
  
**BUTCH**: Trust me. I've seen plenty or rain, Potter. Back in hell, everyday was a rainy day.  
  
**HARRY**: See this stuff falling from the clouds? It's called R-A-I-N. Rain is good. Rain makes things grown.  
  
**BUTCH**: Maybe you should use it to grow you a penis, bitch.  
  
**HARRY**: That was hurtful, but you are a baby and have no clue what you are talking about.  
  
**BUTCH**: [_gives him the finger_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: What do you think about rain, Renny?  
  
**RENNY**: Raincoat.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Yes, you are wearing a pretty raincoat. I like your boots, also.  
  
**RENNY**: My boots.  
  
**HERMIONE**: O.o  
  
**HARRY**: Back in Renny's old town, it rained everyday, she told me.  
  
**RENNY**: Rained..all. Rained all da time.  
  
**HARRY**: And she said she liked to play in the puddles.  
  
**RENNY**: In the puddles Renny would go. _SPLASH_! In the big boots.  
  
**HARRY**: I think rain makes her happy.  
  
**BUTCH**: [_peeks under Renny's raincoat_]  
  
RENNY: [_shrieks like a banshee_] Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
  
**HARRY**: [_takes Butch away, and Renny stops screaming, as if nothing happened_.] My god! What a hellish demon you are, Butch!  
  
**BUTCH**: Suck my non-existent dick, Pothead.  
  
**HARRY**: Don't mind if I do.  
  
_They all watch as Harry tries to suck something on Butch's body that isn't there. It looks quite odd.  
_  
**RENNY**: Penis.  
  
**HERMIONE**: That's right, Renny. Harry is sucking Butch's invisible penis.  
  
**RENNY**: Heh.  
  
**BUTCH**: [_kicks Harry in the face_] Get back, dawg. I've had enough of your shit. [_spits in his hair_]  
  
**HARRY**: I wish I was as fly and smooth as you are, Butch.  
  
**BUTCH**: Yeah, well we can't all be perfect, can we?  
  
**RENNY**: Muddy boots. Big boots.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Uh.

_Julie and Christie approach the gang. They are skipping along and holding hands like queer lesbians._  
  
**JULIE**: Hiya, peoples! [_slaps Renny on the back_]  
  
**RENNY**: [_twitch_]  
  
**HARRY**: Quick! Take your hand away before she starts-  
  
**RENNY**: EEEEEEEE Sheeeeeeeeeettttt Eeeeeeeeeee  
  
**JULIE**: [_jumps back_] Holy fuck-aroo!  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Hey, all! Me and Julie have come to tell you the good news!  
  
**ALL**: What ever is it?!?  
  
**A RANDOM VOICE IN THE CROWD**: _Butch is biting my ass_!  
  
**JULIE AND CHRISTIE**: We're getting married!  
  
**HERMIONE**: Wow. I sure do think yall are a good couple. It's about time.  
  
**JULIE**: [_giggles_] No! We aren't marrying _EACHOTHER_!  
  
**RENNY**: Renny marry the boots.  
  
**CHRISTIE**: [_gag_] Eww! Like grossness! Fo real we aint marrying eachother! That would be kinda righteous, but NO!   
  
**JULIE**: We are going to both get married to our crushes.  
  
**HARRY**: Who are they?  
  
**CHRISTIE**: Well, I'm marrying Snapers.  
  
**JULIE**: And I'm marrying Dumbledore.  
  
**ALL**: .....

**HARRY**: Can I be the flower girl?  
  
**JULIE**: Naw, Butch's the flower girl. As she is the youngest.  
  
**BUTCH**: [_roars and runs around in gangsta circles_] YO! I aint ganna be no pansy-throwin bastard! Butch aint no flower boi! Butch is da smoothest gangsta baby in da hood! [_trips and falls_] Ow! BooBoo! Butch gots a cut on her widdle knee! [_sobs_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: Aw, it's okay. [_cuddles Butch_]  
  
**SAVVY: **Can I be the wedding alter?  
  
**JULIE**: Anyways Harry is going to be my maid of honor.  
  
**HARRY**: For real? Like oh my god?  
  
**JULIE**: F'real.  
  
**HARRY**: [_squeals and humps the air_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: What can I be?  
  
**CHRISTIE**: You're the old preacher bitch.  
  
**HERMIONE**: Wahoo!  
  
**JULIE**: And Renny is the ring bearer.  
  
**RENNY**: [_is nowhere to be seen. She has buried herself up deep in her raincoat and is hiding. She's zipped herself up inside.]_  
  
**JULIE**: She'll get to wear a pretty raincoat! [_says in singsong voice_]  
  
**RENNY**: [_pops out_] Coat. My boots.  
  
**JULIE**: I knew that'd make you change your mind.  
  
**BUTCH**: Kiss my widdle boo boo! [_blubbers_]  
  
**HERMIONE**: [_makes out with the boo boo_]

* * *

{A/N: Please review and tell me what you think about the 2 characters Renny and Butch. Renny's my fave. Lol. ...Julie REVIEW!} 


End file.
